Peter Thiel and Keith Richards Were Right! Human Blood is the Fountain of Youth

Peter Thiel and Keith Richards Were Right! Human Blood is the Fountain of Youth

A quick Google search around drinking human blood will reveal that there is a lot of weird shit out there in InternetLand. Qualify the search with virgin blood, and the results get even stranger. It seems that there are many people out there who enjoy drinking menstruation blood and eating placenta in the belief that it will keep them younger.

Well, it turns out that these freaks were right…several experiments conducted over the last few years, combined with radical advancements in the biological and genetic sciences, have confirmed what the Aztec Priest eating the heart of his young virgin sacrifice has known all along: imbibing virgin human blood and consuming youthful flesh keeps you in a teenage state of being.

Now I am not advocating that you start leaving trails of candy that lead to the front door of your gingerbread house. Nor am I advocating that a few less nieces and nephews leave your home after the holiday party than had originally arrived. Modern society tends to frown upon sucking the blood out of the younger members of society, even with their consent.


I thought the headline originally read ‘old men’…

So then, in the absence of killing off a few younger relatives, or the neighbors’ kids down the street, what is an older person suffering a midlife crisis as the grey and wrinkles develop faster than eye crust going to do?

Fear not my geriatric friends! As with all good things science, and thanks to the concept of capitalism, there is a solution. That solution is that there will soon be new products popping up in anti-aging clinics everywhere as well as on 200 of your 300 late night DirecTV channels. From Super Bleets to Esmerelda’s Advanced Swiss Formula Youth Elixir, you will be able to purchase these products online and through your local nutritional supplement store, As Seen on TV, of course. For those of you with more cash to drop on maintaining the appearance of your sixteen year old self, there will be a plethora of facials, skin treatments, elixirs, injections, and transfusions to go along with your Botox and Testosterone shots. From plasma to embryonic stem cells, the smorgasbord of Youth will be your oyster.

Are there any downsides to these treatments? Well that part has not been fully explored yet, so the answer is that there might be. Chances are good that there is likely to be an increase in emotional outbursts when there is nothing for you to do on a Friday night, or that there is a certain belief that the world is coming to an end after an argument with your boyfriend, but it is believed that these side effects are only passing in nature. A slight increase in acne might also be a possibility, as well as an increase in the tendency to masturbate.

Just as interesting, if not more so, although on a tangential but related topic, is as science uncovers more about the ‘mystery’ DNA in the human genome, what will that portend for humanity in terms of nutritional supplements? Will we revert to looking like a now extinct humanoid ancestor, such as a giant or a hobbit? Or if the mystery DNA is viral in nature, could we end up walking around in an episode of the Walking Dead? Or perhaps it is artificially injected DNA, added by an ancient alien super race to boost our evolutionary development along so that us slaves could do all the work while the alien big bosses relaxed on their thrones and in their beach houses. But wait, it gets better. For the first time in human history, scientists have altered a living organism with synthetic (man made) genetic codes.

Who knows, but I do know this: New discoveries and breakthroughs in biological and genetic science are amazing, even incredible. In our rush to productize and take advantage of these capabilities, unless we fully understand the effects that modifying the natural structure of the human body has upon future generations of the species, it might have unexpected and undesired consequences.

One scenario, for instance is like so: Ten thousand years from now, scientists for the very first time could unlock the DNA of themselves. As they unlock it, they discover mystery DNA belonging to a human ancestor that just vanished over a period of a couple of centuries without explanation. That ancestor was us, and by fucking around with human nature carelessly, we wiped ourselves out and gave rise to the future generations of Reptilian bastards (it is always good for an article to have a Reptilian reference)…

So on this festive New Year occasion, if you are young, watch your back around the older people in the room. And beware of strangers with candy.