No Need for Bongs in Outer Space

No Need for Bongs in Outer Space

Bad news. For those of you thinking about traveling to space, and most of you who are thinking about it are probably high right now, there is disappointing news for you: You can’t get stoned in space. The good news: You are getting stoned everyday just by being in space.

Apparently when you are on earth, the atmosphere protects you from the stony rays of the universe. A blessing in disguise, as it allows you to smoke the finest plants on the planet and play your XBOX to your heart’s content. The earth, it seems, comes with its benefits, among them getting stoned.

Once you get into space, however, scientists have now come to the conclusion that the same areas of the brain that are affected by THC on earth are the same areas of the brain that are affected by Cosmic Rays. In short, you can’t get stoned in space because you are already getting stoned by the universe. Bummer, or Cool, depending on your perspective.


It turns out that THC affects only certain portions of the brain. Once in space, those are the exact same areas of the brain that are energized and activated by cosmic radiation. The end result is that due to the large exposure to the Galactic Weed Stream, your pittance of a toke does little to alter the situation. No longer is there the need to light up or dab. You may simply bask in the energy waves and you will be playing video games and eating Cheetos nonstop.

Space Cookies

Unfortunately, the downside is that since you are constantly getting stoned by the universe, eventually you will become catatonic. Your speech skills will disappear, your ability to handle logic problems will disappear, and you will simply end up a naked monkey in a spacesuit. The good news: you will still be able to sing, and you will remember basic repetitive patterns, even though you don’t know why you are repeating them.

So as you dream of space, stare at your stash, and inhale, just remember: Being high is a state of mind. If you enjoy your occasional highs, stay earthbound. if you are looking for an extra kick, consider doing a commercial space program. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you snapchat the stupid shit that you are doing for posterity.

Btw, I now hear that the number of pot smoking volunteers to travel to space has increased by the thousands since this research has hit the mainstream.


I would have continued this article in further depth, unfortunately, I am on sabbatical at Space Station Charles, and I honestly do not even remember what in the hell that I wrote at the beginning of this article. All I remember is XBOX, and Cheetos. For those of you who will never make it to space, sit back, roll a fat one, and sail with the Silver Surfer…

“Ground control to Major Tom…”